Cherishing Precious Moments

Well today I find myself being a bit emotional. Not sure why. I have known this is coming. We have planned and organized and talked about it until we just can't do anything else. I have been cherishing every precious moment with Nicholas since he has not had any programs going on in our house. It is just him and I while Maddie is in school. When she comes home, it is all Maddie. She needs special time with her Mom and Dad and after school and into the evening is hers. When Ray comes home from work, it is his time to cuddle with Nicholas and get his special time in. Maddie and Ray have their thing which is rough housing. Pretend Kung Fu and just general roughing around. Although at times it literally drives me nuts, I know they both love it. Both my kids love cuddling and there isn't a day that goes by where Maddie doesn't say, "let's cuddle mom". I love that. I know it won't last forever. I know that even though Nicholas can't speak, he is always up for a good cuddle. That is just what we have been doing every day for the lasts few weeks.




I know that soon, I won't be able to hold him and cuddle with him like I can now. Eventually it will happen, but it will be a while. Today we listened to my Pandora radio ambient music station while we cuddled on the couch. It is hard to imagine a 75 pound 4 foot 8 inch tall boy, cuddling on his mom, but it is true. We have the kind of couch with recliners on the end. I pull out the recliner, bring Nicholas up and he literally lays on my side with his head right in the crook of my neck and just snuggles right up. He gets the biggest smile when we get settled. We pull up our favorite throw and he grabs one piece of it and makes his little cuddling sounds; it is his self soothing sound. To me, it is music to my ears.

I realize this sounds like something that happens with your 2 year old, but Nicholas' functional level is that of about 1-2 year old so it just makes sense. He loves body contact just like a baby does. It is his comfort zone. Ray and I laugh about how it will look when he is 15, but I am sure we will just make a few changes and still be able to cuddle.

Today before he fell asleep, which he always does, we looked at each other in the eyes and sat there for a while like that. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. I always wonder what he is thinking. I tell him how much I love him. I tell him he is the best boy in the whole world. I tell him how much he is loved by so many. It is our time together. Sometimes we laugh. I tickle him and he just cracks up. Other times I do "light touch", Maddie's word for it, on his back of his arms. Just lightly dragging my fingers up and down. It puts him to sleep so quickly most times. He gets goosebumps, which are my only way of knowing that he really does like it, other than that he turns his arm different ways to make sure I get all areas. It really is so sweet.

Nicholas is innocent to the core. I said he falls asleep fast and it is true. He has no cares in the world. He doesn't lay there thinking of what he has to do tomorrow. He doesn't think about his friends and if they like him or not. He only knows love. He is truly always in the moment. What a way to be. There are times when I wish I could not have any cares in the world. It is such a blessing for him. He doesn't know any hate or jealousy or envy. He isn't aware of all the tragedy going on worldwide. He doesn't see the depressing stories of murder and devastation on the news. He can easily fall asleep because he is just pure at heart. Completely pure at heart.

Today I cried watching my baby sleep. Not crazy, just tears. Tears of everything coming to a boiling point soon. Tears of sadness that I can't explain to this beautiful child what is coming his way in a week. I pray to God every day that he helps everyone get through this. That he watches over Nicholas and helps him understand, somehow that this is something that has to be done and he will be so much better after.

Baby Mine dry your eyes, baby mine don't you cry, rest your head close to my heart.......